In this final post, I explore boundaries as the key to self-discovery, discernment, and determination. Using my 3D Power Tools framework, I’ll share practical steps to help you honor your needs, communicate limits, and (re)claim your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Boundaries create space for the relationships and growth you deserve.

But first, let’s revisit the key insights from my previous three posts:

Radical Self-Care Begins with Boundaries (Part 1): A Personal Journey: I shared how a lack of boundaries left me feeling unseen and depleted, particularly as a Black woman navigating societal pressures to overextend myself. Reclaiming my time and energy became an act of self-love and a conscious choice to prioritize my well-being.

Radical Self-Care Begins with Boundaries (Part 2): Facing Guilt and Honoring Your Needs: I shared how a lack of boundaries left me feeling unseen and depleted, particularly as a Black woman navigating societal pressures to overextend myself. Reclaiming my time and energy became an act of self-love and a conscious choice to prioritize my well-being.

Radical Self-Care Begins with Boundaries (Part 3): Navigating Work-Life Integration: Drawing from the powerful conversation between Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin, I explored the toll of emotional labor and constant performance. I shared practical strategies for reclaiming time, energy, and emotional well-being as acts of liberation and self-preservation.

Tying It All Together: The 3D Power Tools Framework

The themes explored throughout this series highlight how deeply boundaries connect to our sense of identity, values, and relationships. My 3D Power Tools framework—Discover, Discern, and Determine—offers a pathway for navigating this work with clarity and intention:

• Discover: Recognize the stories and beliefs that keep you from honoring your limits and explore the deeper truths of what you truly need.

• Discern: Identify where your boundaries are being compromised and clarify the spaces where your energy and values deserve to be prioritized.

• Determine: Take intentional action to honor those insights—communicating and holding firm to boundaries that protect your dignity and well-being.

Let’s explore how these three phases work together, starting with self-discovery—the foundation of boundary work. By understanding who you are, what you value, and where your limits lie, you build the clarity and courage to discern and determine boundaries that protect your authenticity and well-being. Each phase builds on the last.

Boundaries as Acts of Self-Discovery

Mia Birdsong, in How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community, reminds us that boundaries are crucial for creating authentic relationships that thrive on mutual care and accountability. She writes:

Also key to being in relationship with other people is identifying and understanding our boundaries, which also requires self-awareness. I used to think of boundaries as a response—something I'd enact when people tried to impose upon me or demand something of me that I didn't want to give. That's not wrong, but it's not all of it.

Birdsong challenges us to see boundaries not just as reactions, but as intentional choices that reflect who we are and what we value. Boundaries require us to pause, reflect, and ask ourselves what brings joy, balance, and purpose to our lives. This moment of reflection—a breath amid external demands—becomes the first step toward knowing ourselves more deeply. Importantly, Birdsong highlights that boundaries are accessible to almost everyone, regardless of ability, age, geography, age, or socioeconomic status.

Birdsong quotes her therapist, Shawna Sodersten, to emphasize the power of this self-discovery:

Everybody's first job is to steward their own life experience. And that means discovering who you are, and all the things that bring you pleasure and joy, and feel aligned with you, and give you a sense of purpose.

When we take time to uncover what aligns with our values and brings us purpose, boundaries emerge as a natural extension of that clarity. They become tools for honoring ourselves—our time, energy, and emotional well-being—and protecting what matters most.

The power of boundaries in honoring ourselves. Boundaries allow us to (re)claim our autonomy—our time, energy, and emotional space. By making intentional choices about where we focus our energy and trust, we align our actions with our deepest priorities. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they create room for relationships and behaviors that reflect who we truly are.

At times, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable. One of the greatest challenges is overcoming the guilt that often accompanies saying “no.” Many of us were raised to believe that our worth is tied to how much we can do for others. (Hello, Black Superwoman!) Saying “no” can feel like letting someone down, which keeps us stuck in cycles of overcommitment and burnout.

However, the truth is this: grounding ourselves in who we are—and recognizing the inherent dignity that external forces cannot strip away—is the foundation for building healthy boundaries. When we operate from this place of truth, saying “no” becomes an act of self-preservation, not selfishness.

Practical ways to cultivate healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries can take many forms, including time, energy, or emotional availability. Here are a few reflections to guide your journey:

• Reclaim Your Time: Notice where you overextend yourself. Are there commitments or requests that drain your energy without bringing you joy or purpose?

• Protect Your Energy: Reflect on the relationships or environments that leave you feeling depleted. What boundaries might allow you to remain grounded?

• Honor Emotional Availability: Consider where you might be offering more emotional labor than feels sustainable. How can you step back without guilt?

By practicing self-soothing techniques—like mindfulness, deep breathing, or grounding exercises—we can remain steady and avoid crossing others' boundaries too. This allows us to honor their autonomy while managing our emotional reactions.

Releasing guilt and protecting your truth. Letting go of guilt is a necessary step in setting and upholding boundaries. It is not our job to meet everyone’s expectations or to always be available. Instead, our responsibility is to honor our values, needs, and emotional well-being.

Ask yourself:

• What brings me joy, rest, and purpose?

• What do I need to feel balanced and whole?

• Where am I sacrificing my well-being to meet others’ expectations?

Healthy boundaries are the key to breaking free from cycles of overcommitment and burnout. By learning to protect your emotional, mental, and physical energy, you affirm your worth and create space for what truly matters.

Boundaries as Acts of Self-Discernment

Establishing boundaries with my mother allowed me to redefine our relationship in a way that honored my dignity, without forcing myself to overextend beyond my capacity. In their book, What it Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World, Hemphill speaks to the transformative power of boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships, stating "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." This perspective highlights that boundaries are not about creating separation out of resentment but about fostering healthier relationships where both individuals can thrive. Hemphill also notes that boundaries are not barriers but pathways to deeper, more genuine relationships where we can be our true selves without fear.

“Boundaries give us the space to do the work of loving ourselves. They might be, actually, the first and fundamental expression of self-love. They also give us the space to love and witness others as they are, even those that have hurt us." –Prentis Hemphill

This perspective helped me understand that setting boundaries was not an act of rejection, but an act of self-preservation and authenticity, allowing me to choose how I engage in my relationships, rather than being bound by history or obligation, subjecting myself to more harm.

Deliberately communicating our boundaries. Nedra Tawwab, in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, explains that setting boundaries is a profound act of self-care. She writes, "We don't naturally fall into perfect relationships; we create them." Healthy boundaries require deliberate effort and communication. Tawwab emphasizes the importance of letting others know what we need. Boundaries are not just about saying “no;” they are also about clearly communicating our expectations and values so we can create relationships that are grounded in mutual understanding.

To help us assess how well we are honoring our boundaries, Tawwab invites us to take stock of our actions by asking: "What am I doing currently, versus what would I like to do instead?" She encourages us to reflect on specific areas, such as:

• Are you saying no to things you don’t like?

• Are you saying no to things that don’t contribute to your growth?

• Are you saying no to things that rob you of valuable time?

Tawwab urges us: "Don't apologize for having and setting boundaries. When you apologize, it gives the impression that your expectations are negotiable or that you don't believe you're allowed to ask for what you want." She emphasizes the importance of saying less when communicating boundaries and holding firm without wavering. Over-explaining, she warns, can invite others to challenge or undermine your decisions.

Boundaries, when approached with intentionality and courage, allow us to create relationships that are rooted in respect, authenticity, and care. By evaluating where we are overextending ourselves and choosing to protect our energy, we affirm our worth and prioritize what matters most. This discernment is the foundation for building lives and relationships that reflect our deepest values and desires.

Boundaries as Acts of Self-Determination

Birdsong addresses the challenges of setting boundaries, stating, "Saying no might cost us something. But part of our work is to evaluate the cost instead of just abdicating our agency." She emphasizes:

"...agency and choice exist on a spectrum. Part of what systemic oppression does is limit the choices and agency of the people who experience it. But it also works to convince us that we have no agency and no choice."

This perspective underscores that boundaries are not just about self-protection but also about (re)claiming our sense of agency. Boundaries create space for connections that are authentic and genuine, free from the burden of societal expectations or systems that seek to silence and control us.

Boundaries and the work of liberation. In my dissertation, I shared bell hooks' assertion that women of color coming to voice is a “revolutionary gesture...where one moves from being object to being subject. Only as subject can we speak. As object, we remain voiceless—our beings defined and interpreted by others.” The dominant culture gaze often lumps together the experiences of Black women into a monolith, erasing our multidimensionality. Doing the work of self-discovery, discernment, and determination helps us (re)claim our full selves. Personal agency, as hooks suggests, is not measured by comparison to men or dominant groups but by dismantling and rebuilding the systems that sustain the matrix of domination—race, class, and gender oppression.

Boundaries, then, become a revolutionary act of resistance and reclamation. They allow us to refuse narratives that diminish us and to claim the space to define our identities and experiences on our own terms.

The power of saying “no.” Saying “no” is a complete sentence. Period. While it can feel hard to say to those we care about—out of fear of disappointing them, losing their approval, or causing conflict—it is essential for maintaining our boundaries and sovereignty. Birdsong reminds us: "When I'm clear enough to say no to what I don't want, then I have more room to say yes to what I do want." Moreover, boundaries are not just about refusal; they also create the capacity to fully embrace what aligns with our desires, values, and well-being. Each “no” becomes an affirmation of what truly matters, a step toward r(e)claiming the agency to choose our path forward.

Respecting the boundaries of others. Accepting someone else’s “no” can be equally challenging. It is a natural reaction to feel disappointed or hurt when someone sets a boundary with us. However, respecting another person’s boundary is an act of love and recognition of their autonomy.

Boundaries are valuable data. When someone says “no,” they are offering insight into their needs and capacity. Listening to and honoring these boundaries allows us to build deeper, more trusting relationships.

Ultimately, boundaries are acts of self-determination—the ability to (re)claim our agency, define our limits, and protect our time, energy, and emotional well-being. They allow us to reject systems of domination and oppression that seek to dictate how we show up in the world. By saying “no,” we are creating space to say “yes” to a life of authenticity, liberation, and joy.

Thus, setting boundaries is not about shutting others out; it is about inviting ourselves in. It is a practice of honoring our values, listening to our needs, and creating conditions where we and those around us can thrive.

3D Power Tools Framework: Journaling Prompts

In my work, I use the 3D Power Tools framework—Discover, Discern, and Determine—to help clients align with their values and protect their well-being. Setting boundaries is a key part of this journey, and it can also be transformative. Let’s take a closer look at each phase, supported by journaling prompts to guide your reflection and growth.

Discover: Understanding Your Needs and Patterns

Self-discovery is the foundation of boundary work. Before you can communicate your limits, you must first understand what they are and where they originate.

Journaling Prompts:

1. What personal experiences have shaped my beliefs about boundaries?

2. What patterns in my life suggest I’ve abandoned my own needs?

3. What stories or fears make it difficult for me to say “no”?

4. How can I identify and honor what brings me balance and fulfillment?

Discern: Clarifying Your Priorities and Limits

Once you’ve uncovered the patterns and needs shaping your boundaries, discernment invites you to clarify where adjustments are necessary. This phase is about identifying where your energy, time, and emotional capacity deserve to be honored.

Journaling Prompts:

1. Where do I feel most drained, and what does that reveal about my limits?

2. What values guide my decisions, and how well do my current actions align with them?

3. Which commitments or relationships feel misaligned with my well-being?

4. How can I recognize the physical or emotional signs that my boundaries are being crossed?

Determine: Taking Action with Courage and Consistency

Determination is the final, transformative phase. It’s where clarity turns into action. Setting boundaries emboldens us to hold firm to what matters, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Journaling Prompts:

1. What specific boundaries do I need to communicate to protect my well-being?

2. How can I assert my needs clearly without over-explaining or apologizing?

3. What steps can I take to stay consistent in upholding my boundaries?

4. Who supports my boundary work, and how can I lean on them during challenges?

Conclusion: The Power of Boundaries in a Liberated Life

Boundaries are not barriers; they are pathways to self-respect, connection, and freedom. By understanding yourself, clarifying your priorities, and taking deliberate action, you (re)claim your time, energy, and emotional space. The work of boundaries is the work of liberation. You are worthy of the space it takes to thrive.