Radical Self-Care Begins with Boundaries (Part 2): Facing Guilt and Honoring Your Needs
This is Part 2 of a multi-part series on boundary work. In this post, I focus on the challenges of setting boundaries, how to navigate the discomfort they can bring, and why embracing '“clean pain'“ is essential for personal growth. I draw from the insights of Nedra Glover Tawwab, Mia Birdsong, and Prentis Hemphill to explore why boundaries are fundamental to self-care. Next week, I will talk about boundaries as self-discovery, self-discernment, and self-determination.
Setting boundaries can be incredibly challenging, especially when we're afraid of how others will react. Often, establishing boundaries means disrupting the status quo in our relationships, which can lead to discomfort for everyone involved. As Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain in Boundaries, “Consequences give some good 'barbs' to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves.” While standing firm may lead to pushback, it also teaches others the importance of our integrity and well-being.
Resmaa Menakem, in Monsters in Love, describes “clean pain” as the discomfort we face when we confront hard truths and take responsibility for our growth. Clean pain differs from “dirty pain,” which results from avoiding or resisting necessary change. Setting boundaries often means sitting with clean pain—feeling the discomfort of disappointing others or facing conflict—in order to protect our integrity. For me, learning to sit in this discomfort and accept that I might disappoint others was a significant step toward my healing.
Revisting the Past to Understand the Present
Boundaries are essential for fostering authenticity in our relationships. My journey with boundaries, particularly with my biological mother, is closely connected to my early feelings of abandonment. When I was four years old, my mother left me with my maternal grandparents, creating a deep sense of insecurity that affected me for years. I often sacrificed my own needs just to keep a connection with her, losing sight of myself in the process.
During the recent holiday break, I explored my ancestry with my daughters and husband, deepening our connection to our Indigenous Mexican heritage. My mother had sent me and my (grand)mother ancestry kits years ago to piece together the story of her Mexican grandfather—someone she never knew. As I sifted through my (grand)mother's meticulously kept records, I found a pre-kindergarten report card from February 1986 that read, “Since Mom has been home, Amber is sheer delight! Happy and content.” When I read it aloud my daughters empathized deeply with that little girl.
I remember that first day of pre-kindergarten vividly. I was so distraught that I ended up throwing up. The photo for this post, with my head resting on the table, captures the raw anguish that overwhelmed me in that moment. Everyone thought I had a stomach bug or “first-day jitters,” but it was actually my body reacting to the grief and trauma of my mom leaving for California just weeks before school started. My body was trying to tell me to honor my own truth, even when my family tried to dismiss it due to shame.
Listening to Our Bodies for Guidance
In What It Takes to Heal, Prentis Hemphill recounts a moment when they met with their father, and their body signaled that it was time to set a boundary—shallow breathing and a tight chest when their father began to criticize their mother. Hemphill writes, “I had found the point where I would need to compromise my own care in order to stay.” This resonates deeply with my experience with my mother. I had to recognize my limits and determine when closeness with her was compromising my emotional safety.
Hemphill emphasizes, “Your body holds the answer. You just have to listen to it,” while asking “Do you know how to listen to the boundaries of your body?” Learning to listen to my body became crucial for understanding when a boundary needed to be set. My body often knew before my mind did—tightness in my chest, unease, or irritability were all signals that something was wrong. By paying attention to these cues, I am becoming better able to honor my needs and protect my integrity.
These are boundaries. When we decide the shape and nature of our relationships. When we are not forced into closeness because of expectations or history, but we choose according to our comfort. We get to move forward with the knowledge of our history, following a path of our own making. – Prentis Hemphill
Boundaries as Self-Determination
Hemphill's words remind me of the question they asked about their father: "At what distance can I maintain care for both my father and me?" Setting boundaries with my mother allowed me to redefine our relationship in a way that honored both of us without overextending my emotional capacity. For many years, though, these boundaries were met with criticism from my family. They would often say, "But that's your mom," as if her role alone justified her behavior. Even as a child, I understood that the title of “mother” required something more—something my mother struggled to demonstrate. My family’s pushback created tremendous tension between what I knew I needed to feel safe and what I felt pressured to accept as my lot in life, making it incredibly difficult to establish my boundaries. However, my natural curiosity and self-determination gave me the courage to speak my truth and establish healthy boundaries. Over time, my actions gave my family the permission they needed to establish their own boundaries with my mother.
The need for these boundaries became crystal clear when they became direct targets of her words—especially when trying to support me during milestone moments like my wedding day—they finally began to see why I needed distance. For me, the final breaking point came when she attacked me verbally on the day my youngest daughter was born, simply because I named her after my maternal (grand)mother, who had raised me. My mother took this as a personal affront, and her words were cruel and cutting. I remember sharing them with a coworker, who responded, “F@#k her! A mother would never say that to her child!” That indignant response jolted me awake. It gave me permission to stop normalizing her abuse and establish a much-needed boundary—to create a new level of safety for myself and my growing family.
Trauma and Attachment Style
In my previous post, I shared how this early emotional neglect shaped my anxious attachment style. As Nedra Glover Tawwab explains in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, trauma often shapes our attachment patterns, leaving us feeling insecure and overly dependent on others for validation. For me, that emotional neglect led directly to anxious attachment, making it incredibly difficult to set boundaries. Trauma instills a belief that we aren't deserving of care, driving us to overextend ourselves in harmful ways.
Tawwab also addresses the shame and guilt that often accompany trauma, which can make us hesitant to set boundaries out of fear of rejection or because we feel our needs aren't valid. She provides practical strategies for healing from trauma and understanding it in others. Tawwab states, “Change is possible at any time, no matter what you've experienced in life...it's possible to change an attachment style when you're aware and ready to do the work of shifting parts of who you are.” By working to understand our attachment styles and committing to change, we can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Practical Strategies for Setting Boundaries with Toxic Mothers
Tawwab often receives questions like, “What's a good boundary for a toxic mother that you aren't ready to cut off?” In response, she offers several strategies:
Consider speaking to your mother less often. Instead of daily conversations, try reducing them to a few times a week or even once a week.
Limit the length of the conversations. An easy way to do this is by creating a hard out, such as speaking to your mother on your way to an appointment, so you have to end the call when you arrive at your destination.
Respond when you're ready and willing to talk, not every single time your mother calls or texts.
These strategies help create emotional distance while maintaining the relationship, allowing you to protect your well-being without completely cutting off contact.
I faced similar challenges in setting boundaries with my mother. We never had a traditional mother-daughter relationship, which, some may say made establishing boundaries a bit easier. She lacked a maternal instinct toward me, and being in and out of my life created a level of tension that made boundaries both necessary and incredibly difficult. Whenever she decided to engage, I would drop everything just to feel seen by her. But the emotional ups and downs, her explosive behaviors, and her guilt that riddled our interactions became a rollercoaster ride I could no longer endure. Limiting our conversations, reducing their frequency, and engaging only when I felt ready helped me redefine our relationship in a healthier way. It wasn't easy and was met with resistance, but it was essential for my well-being.
The Harm of Control and the Importance of Autonomy
Hemphill speaks to the detrimental nature of such dynamics, stating "Sometimes we think our bounds extend beyond our own bodies; that is, sometimes we feel balanced when we are in control of others' spaces, too." In my mom's case, navigating the challenges of her volatile mental health crises often led her to impose herself on others as a means of survival. It was her way of trying to regain a sense of control in her life, but it ultimately led to harm in most of her familial relationships—particularly in relationships that enforced boundaries to protect their own emotional safety.
This type of control and violation is not how relationships thrive. Boundaries are about respecting each other's autonomy, and they are fundamental to creating genuine, loving connections. For me, setting boundaries was necessary to protect my well-being and reclaim my space.
Our bodies are encased in skin that is both barrier and porous. It lets things in and it keeps things out. We are both individual and collective. And as much as boundaries differentiate, they are evidence of our impact on one another, of our interrelatedness, not a denial of it. They are how we shape the relational space between us with each of our needs. They are not barriers to keep us apart, more an invitation into knowing who each of us is. They arise from us understanding who we are, where we come from, our limits and our needs, and enable us to welcome relationship with others from a place of balance, of safety, from our true selves. – Prentis Hemphill
Reflect on This
What boundaries feel most challenging for you to set? Where are you afraid of the consequences of saying “no?” These questions can help you identify areas where you need to stand in your integrity, even if it feels difficult.
As you reflect on your own boundaries, I encourage you to take one small step towards creating a healthier relationship dynamic—whether it's setting a limit on communication, carving out space for yourself, or practicing saying “no” when it feels right. Remember, your well-being matters and every step toward honoring your needs is a radical act of self-care.
Setting boundaries is not just about creating distance; it's about fostering authentic connections that respect your integrity and well-being. It requires courage to face discomfort, listen to your body's cues, and prioritize your needs even when others may not understand. Boundaries allow us to be true to ourselves and to engage in relationships from a place of strength and clarity. As you continue your journey, remember that each small step towards asserting your boundaries is a profound act of self-discovery, self-discernment, and self-determination. You’ve got this!
